Crush
by J.E.FicWriter
Summary: And so, here I am, clad in purple yoga pants and Castle's old shirt drinking alone. The sting in the back of my throat barely registers, but the sinking feeling in my gut remains... A post ep for The Limey. Angsty but definitely Caskett.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note** This is my first fanfic, and of course I had to choose an M rated one... So obviously kids, this is not for you. This fic was inspired by the song Girl Crush. There will be no lyrics or references to the song, but it fits the scene well. Credit to Scriptline for the dialogue of The Limey.

**Disclaimer** If I owned even half of a percent of the rights to Castle, oh what a wonderful day it would be! Alas, I do not.

I am waiting impatiently with Lanie when they pull up. My breath hitches as I see my world crashing down in the form of a stunning blonde woman. Her infectious smile and strawberry lips bring my heart to a stop. She practically jumps out of the passenger side and rushes around to where he is exiting the car. Castle holds open the door for her as a lover would. His smile matches her own, as he caresses her face and then starts to walk my way. He hesitates, takes one last look at his newest goddess, and weaves a tapestry of promises for what is yet to come. So maybe he only said he would call her. But I know where that call will lead. My pulse is pounding and my soul feels set ablaze with a mixture of regret, passion, and jealousy. What does she have? What am I lacking? Why does he look like he just walked off a Red Eye? I thought we were heading towards something great together.

After she peels out of the parking lot, he meanders over to me as an afterthought. "Hey there," is his gruff acknowledgment of my existence.

My pride gets the better of me. "I feel like I just walked into a bad episode of Miami Vice..." I regret my acetone statement as soon as it leaves my lips.

"Okay, first, there are no bad episodes of Miami Vice. Second, who died?"

"You, from the looks of it. You look like you just got ran over by a truck." As if continuing to drag him down is going to make the bimbo waiting at home for him less attractive. Smart move, Kate.

He laughs as though this conversation is merely a pastime, "Yeah, a truck delivering a shipment of awesome. Nah, I just, uh, flew into Vegas for the weekend. Just needed a little change of scenery."

"And you won the blonde in a high-stakes poker match?" I cannot stop myself from getting as much detail about this woman as possible. How long have they known each other, really? Did she stay with him in Vegas? Was she a choice he made with a clear conscience? Did he...

"No, I met her on the flight back."

His reply assuaged some of my fear. But I had to keep going."And you just gave her your car?" I notice him shift his weight. He looks around, clearly annoyed with my candor.

"Jacinda happens to be a very trustworthy person. She's a first class flight attendant. It's not like I gave her my social security number." I inwardly snort her name... _Jacinda._ Of course her name would be something a teenage girl would pick out.

"Castle... Is everything okay?" I finally muster up the courage to put some depth to our exchange. I search his face for some sign that the man I am in love with is still here, with me. I find nothing but a hollow grave where his bright eyes once were.

"Never better."

 **C*******************************************************************************************************B  
**

" _Never better... fun and uncomplicated"_ the words are venom in my mind. I down my second shot of whiskey. Colin, ever the gentleman, dropped me at my door hours ago. A swift kiss on the cheek and the sentiments of "perhaps one day..." left unsaid. He knows I am spoken for. I spent the first hour tossing and turning in my bed. I replayed each awful encounter with _Jacinda_. Castle looked so alive every time they were together. I shook the thoughts away and decided that being vertical was a better idea. I walked into the kitchen and reached for my collection of anti-depressants: liquor. I took a swig of vodka first, but it didn't feel right. My old standby, Jack, waited patiently for his turn. And so, here I am, clad in purple yoga pants and Castle's old shirt drinking alone. The sting in the back of my throat barely registers, but the sinking feeling in my gut remains. I was too late. I lost him. No matter how hard I tried to be a better woman for him...for me... it wasn't enough.

She apparently is enough. My mind keeps circling back to her. Her long blonde hair. The way she touched him with ease and expectation. Jasmine fills my olfactories... her smell was as mesmerizing as her laugh. I am flooded with the image of kissing her. I can taste him on her lips. I know she has been all over him. For the first time in decades I am filled with the juvenile desire to be someone else. Why can't I be her? One more shot.

I leave the bottle open on the counter and make my way back to bed. I close my eyes, but my mind is alight.

 _I see her in his arms. She giggles as he backs her into his office, stops him short of kissing her by reaching for the hem of her blouse. She bites her lip and wastes no time unclasping her bra. His eyes rake over her body with desire. He knows she is an easy conquest, but he no longer cares. Fun is all he demands of her. "Come on Ricky, I didn't come here to play with myself you know."_

 _He takes two large steps forward and winds one hand behind her head through her hair. She thinks he will kiss her, but instead he pulls her head back and to the side to access her neck. His free hand goes straight for her breast. Her nipples are already hard with anticipation, as is he. She moans and presses her hips further into his. The groan he releases travels directly between her legs. Her panties are soaked. She pushes him back again, this time to unbutton his pants. He stands there as she works the slacks down his hips, dragging his boxers down with them. She kneels._ My hand drifts beneath my waistband without my consent. My body is a traitor. I have spent so much time fantasizing about him that replacing myself with that bitch makes no difference. I want him. I want to get myself off thinking about him, even if he is fucking her.

 _She licks the drop of pre-cum off of his tip and then surges forward, taking all of him in. He moans and leans forward, bracing himself against his desk. The next thing he feels is her hand on his ass, imploring him to thrust into her at will. He is compliant and lets himself go. As though she can sense that he is almost there, she digs her nails into him and pulls back, letting him fall out of her mouth. "Uh uh... you have to give as good as you take." She turns around, hikes her skirt up and bends over, revealing the extent of her excitement to him. He crowds her against his desk and places his hand between her thighs._ My hand strokes my folds like his would. Fast and greedy, up and down the slit. My wetness spreads fast as I buck towards my own hand. I avoid my clit, I don't want to come too soon.

 _A few strokes and he nearly has her undone. But he stops and rips her panties off. Without warning he thrusts into her. Hard._ My fingers dive into my core. _She screams his name; he says nothing. He pumps into her over and over again. Within minutes the contents of his desk start to find their way to the floor, the force of his thrusting knocking down pictures and pencils alike. She reaches between her legs and begins to touch herself._

" _No." He pulls her hand behind her back and uses his other one to replace it. The crash begins as his fingers touch her. The pulsing grants him his own release. She says his name over and over again._ I circle my clit with my free hand, the familiar clenching signals that my body has been satisfied.

 _He pulls out, and backs away. "You still have some clothes on there," he notes._

" _So do you," she reaches for his hand and leads him into his bedroom._

I fall asleep with my hand still between my legs, thoughts of her intertwined in his bedsheets torturing my subconscious the whole night. No peace. Just images of the way he would look, sated and happy with another woman.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note** I have a few people interested in where this fic is going. Sorry to be such a tease! I am sure you will like the continuation more. ;) This is Castle's POV. This chapter is rated T.

**Disclaimer** Not mine. Not in my wildest, shiniest dreams.

My mind and resolve are withering as she continues to seduce me with her lips. She is young, but I can tell she is experienced. That mouth could be doing much better -worse- things. Her hands are already undoing the buttons on my shirt. Before she can continue her assault, I peel her off of me. "Jacinda, slow down," I chuckle to ease the sting of rejection and I lead her towards my couch.

"What's wrong Ricky? Don't you want to see where this is heading?" I already know the answer to that. My body and my heart are on entirely separate pages. Deep down I know the truth. I could let Jacinda stay and have my carnal needs met, with my mind screaming "Kate" the entire time.

I want to. I want to be selfish for once. I want to make Beckett wait for me like I have been strung out to dry for her. I have been right here, waiting and wanting for four years. Four years! It is no secret that she has started to open up. I have noticed a change in her demeanor the last couple of weeks, but it doesn't negate everything she has done to willfully destroy us. I know she feels something for me, too. I see it in how her face turns scarlet when Jacinda shows up. I hear it in her voice when she says my name, a silent plea beneath the surface to come back to her. I am just so damn angry. I ignore her, and put up my own wall.

"Ricky..." Jacinda's sprite voice brings me out of my own musings. I know what I have to do. The last couple of days have been the most relaxing of my recent life, but what I am doing is not fair. I am using her. I begin the long conversation that ends with my best bottle of wine being taken and my door being slammed.

I make my way into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water. As the cool liquid washes down my throat I am battered with the memories of my own betrayal. How can I expect Kate to be honest while I sit on the facts that could blow her mother's case wide open? The only redemptive quality I can find is that my omission is for her safety. That is all I think about, all I ever consider: her. How did we get here?

I make my way through the study to my bedroom. I strip down to my boxers and ease myself onto the bed. If I had only had the courage to say something sooner, to push her a little bit more. My Kate does not cower. She rises. She meets every challenge head on. What makes "us" so difficult for her? What have I done to scare her so much? Oh, yeah. I tell her I love her, then I show up at crime scenes with flight attendants. One step forward, five monumental steps back. Logically my sin is no greater than hers, in reality. But, understanding logic and how I am feeling are two very different things. I still feel rejected, destroyed.

I check the clock; it is only 9:45. My exhausted mind and the sound of the city lulls me to slumber.

I am jolted awake. It is 3:00am. I sit silently for a minute, waiting to see if there is a reason for my sudden entrance into reality. I hear nothing. Then it hits me, for the first time in years Kate did not even come to me in my dreams. I feel lost. I am so deep in thought that I almost miss the sound of a light knock on my door. Almost.

I throw the covers back and grab my robe. I make my way across the loft in a few swift strides, worried that the person on the other side of the door may turn and leave. I know it is her. I peer through the peep hole and confirm my suspicions.

"Castle," she calls, "I know you are there. This door isn't soundproof."

"What do you want, Beckett?"

"To not have this conversation in the hallway, alone." Her voice drops just a little, and I can tell that this may be it. My heart hammers with fear and hope. Always hope. I sigh and open the door. She looks as though she has not slept a bit. Her hair is in a messy, loose bun. She is wearing yoga pants, and _my_ shirt. The gods have sent her here to kill me.

"Hi," she says expectantly. I nod my head for her to come in. She enters the room and her eyes are darting back and forth from my bedroom to me. She is nervous. Her pupils are dilating and I can tell her breathing is uneven. Now she is looking all about the loft, looking everywhere but my eyes.

"Ok, you are here, what do you want to talk about?" I break her concentration.

"Is Jac-" she starts.

"No. She has gone for the evening. Now, what can I do for you, Detective?"

"You can start by telling me what the hell is going on with you." Ah, now she doesn't want to skirt around an issue. Typical.

"What's going on with me? Nothing. I am just enjoying my evening. Or I was." I meet her eyes with steel determination. I won't even give her so much as an inch. It is her turn to fight for us. I am too tired to try anymore.

"Castle, please. Can we talk about what is really happening here? You are shutting me out. Do you think I'm blind or something?" She is calling my bluff. She always has.

"Kate it is late. Can we do this some other time?"

"No." Her eyes focus heavily on my own. "No, we are doing this now. Before it is too late."

"Fine. Sit, I will get us some water." I point her towards the couch. Inwardly I hope that this couch confessional goes better than my last.

When I return she is fidgeting with the bottom of her -my- shirt. "Here." I hand her the bottle of water and wait for her to start. She is looking down with the water now nestled between her legs.

"I'm sorry," she begins, "I know this is all my fault. I shouldn't have made you wait so long. I know you have needs, too. I should not have expected you to always put my needs above your own, especially when I have been so slow to return the favor."

She finally looks up at me. I see the pain and fear in her eyes; they mirror my own. I take a deep breath as I try to keep my tone even, "You think I am stepping away because I needed to get laid?" It comes out more coarse than I intended.

"I just thought, you know, ' _fun and uncomplicated'..._ " her voice trails off as a tear drops down. She thinks she is not good enough, that I was tired of simply waiting for her.

"Kate, this isn't about that. Was Jacinda fun? Yes. Do I feel fulfilled? Not even in the least. Because every time I kissed her, I was kissing you. Because every time she touched my hand, I felt yours. I couldn't even sleep with the woman because I knew I would call out _your_ name!" My voice resonating throughout the otherwise quiet loft.

"Then why did you abandon us to begin with? What did I do to cause you to spiral back to what you always pretended to be?" Her tears are flowing freely now. She does love me. I see it as clearly as I can see her. What a mess we have made.

"Kate, I know you heard me that day in the cemetery." She swallows and jerks her head up. "I heard you confirm it in interrogation last week, but if I am honest, I think I have known for a while now. At first I thought you were trying to let me down easy. But the truth is actually worse. You are too scared to genuinely love me back, too scared to ' _dive in_ ' with me. And I don't know what I can do to convince you that I would do everything I can not to hurt you. I can't keep going around in circles with you Kate."

"Rick, I- I don't know where to start," she murmurs.

"Try from the beginning."


	3. Chapter 3

_**Author's Note** Thank you so much for the reviews and follows! This is Kate's POV again (as you can tell they are switching each chapter). This chapter is rated T. I hope this is heading in the direction you were all hoping for! :)_

**Disclaimer** If I had rights to Castle I would buy ten bouncy houses and a giraffe. However, I sit alone with not even one bouncy house, and nothing but a stuffed giraffe.

 _From the beginning_... I mull his words over in my head. Where is the beginning? For as long as I care to remember, he has been there. He has fought tooth and nail for every fraction of what I have given him. And I have repaid him by being a coward. I take a deep, shuttering breath. I was brave enough to drive over here in the middle of the night. I can be brave enough to tell him the whole truth. This is it. This has to be my stand.

He finally takes a seat next to me, careful not to sit too close or too far away. His thoughtfulness is ever present, even in the times when he shouldn't give a damn.

"I-I guess the real beginning started before you even knew I existed. You saved my life before ever laying eyes on me. You were the only connection I had to my mother after she died. Your words pulled me out of myself and my grief. When I met you in person, I was overcome with hero worship that I did my absolute best to hide. And then when you showed up to shadow me, I couldn't believe that you chose me! Of all the cops in New York City, you chose _me._ Trying to keep my inner _'fan girl'_ hidden while simultaneously trying to do my job and keep you safe became very difficult to juggle. I think for a long time I convinced myself you were just an annoying class clown to keep from getting to know the real you. But you continued to weasel your way in. I knew I would be done for the second I let myself see all the good things about you. And I was right." I paused to take a sip of water, my mouth suddenly parched from my confession. I took a second to steal a glance in his direction. His brows were furrowed and his lips tight. He did not look like a man who had just been given a declaration of love; so I began again.

"After I was shot, there were so many feelings to work through. I didn't understand how to handle what had happened to me-to us all. I thought removing myself from you, and the situation, would somehow make it all disappear. I'm not saying what I did was right. It wasn't. But burying myself is all I have ever known to do. I have buried myself in grief, work, adrenalin... hell I have buried myself in your books and bubble baths. But I don't know how to bury myself into someone else, to turn to someone in my own time of need. That is why I ran away. Why I never called you. That is why I stayed in therapy. The job requires therapy after an...event... like mine. But I chose to keep going. I could lie and say that it was because I needed help breaking down _'the wall'_. That isn't true. You have been doing a great job of that all on your own, believe it or not. What I really needed help with was figuring out why I feel the need to put a wall up to begin with." He shifts on the couch, bringing one leg under his other, turning more towards me. I do the same and try to give him a small smile. He returns the favor, his lips still pursed and brow creased slightly as though still confused. I bow my head.

Here goes nothing, "Rick, I love you. I have loved you for longer than I even want to admit. But I was toxic; I wanted to protect you from me. I thought you deserved better... I still do." My eyes are closed and my face is flushed as I wait for his response. Silence reverberates across the room and I am positive he can hear my heart beating. The familiar feeling of rejection and defeat begins to permeate my soul.

And then I feel his fingertips on my chin. He tilts my head up to look at him. The universe has shifted.

"Kate, I had no idea you were seeing a therapist. I mean, I assumed you had to gain psych clearance to get your weapon back, but I never knew you were still going. I can see that it has helped." He smiles, his first real smile of the night. "And for the record, there is no one better than you. There is no one I want more than you. I will love you, always." His words bring me to life again. I lean into his touch, but he hesitates and pulls back. "But there is something more we need to discuss. Something that I haven't been exactly honest about either."

"What do you mean?" I wait for his reply. He shifts uncomfortably on the couch yet again. His cerulean eyes give nothing away. "I am sure whatever it is, we can work through-" and then he leans forward and threads his hands through my hair. Our foreheads touch and his eyes close; together we breathe. As soon as his gaze meets mine, I arch up and we share our first genuine kiss.

He holds me steady, ever the rock in my unstable existence. I slip my tongue against his lips and he grants me access. Slow and steady quickly becomes heated and passionate. I rise up and we are both kneeling on the couch, kissing and touching like a couple of horny teenagers. As I bite his lips, he moans and pulls me in harder. I feel so _alive._ My hands are everywhere, touching every inch of him that has previously been off limits. His left hand has not ventured away from the back of my head, but his other hand has come up to caress my cheek. The need to breathe becomes all too apparent, and we break the kiss. As soon as we are apart, he pulls me flush against him. True to his nature, Castle loses his balance and we fall onto the couch. I can't help but to giggle as he covers his eyes in embarrassment. I rearrange myself to lay on top of him. Our legs are intertwined and I am happy to simply dwell in his arms.

"So, what did you want to tell me?" I break the silence, desperately hoping not to break the spell of this wonderful moment.

"Ah!" he exclaims. "I wanted to tell you that, well, you remember the time we saw _Forbidden Planet?"_ He looks at me sheepishly.

"Castle, I already knew you had seen it. You can't pull a fast one on me! You may be a mystery writer, but nothing about you is much of a mystery for me." I laugh at him and he shakes his head.

"Ugh, to be so predictable is dispiriting. Or maybe it is just your amazing Spidey Senses, Detective." He takes a deep breath and holds me tighter. "So, how about some chocolate chip pancakes?"

"It's 3:30 in the morning! Aren't you tired?"

He looks at me, exasperated, and sits us up. "Kate, it is never too early or too late for pancakes. I am also never too tired to make them or to eat them." He takes my hand and leads me into the kitchen. I perch myself on a bar stool while he gathers the necessary materials. I am in awe of how forgiving he is, how patient and optimistic.

I chuckle to myself as I realize this could be my last first date.

"What's so funny?" he asks as he starts measuring flour.

"I just... It feels so nice to finally be on the same page together. To be starting, well, whatever this is, on the right foot. To have everything out in the open. I just can't believe you still love me. Thank you." As I finish my mini-speech, he comes towards me and places a light kiss on my forehead.

"I would forgive you almost anything Katherine Beckett. And I adore you." He gives me a smile and returns to his culinary endeavor. "So, just chocolate chip, or should we add peanut butter?"

I am the luckiest woman in New York City.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note** Hey guys! I'm sorry I haven't updated in a bit. My mother in law is having open heart surgery in the morning and my computer is also broken. :( As such, this is an extremely short chapter, and for that I'm very sorry. But I wanted you to know that I have not given up on this fic and I'm going to be able to write a worthy update soon. For now I'm writing on my tablet, which is quite bothersome! Thanks for all of your reviews and follows! I am genuinely honored by everyone's interest! This chapter is in Rick's POV. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer** Nope, not ever gonna happen.

What the fuck was I thinking? My heart and mind are racing as I try to remain calm. My suggestion of pancakes has clearly gone over well. I can't believe how easy it was for me to lie to her like that. _She_ is the one who deserves infinitely better than me. I measure out all of the ingredients and begin mixing the batter together. She doesn't have to know... I could just go on living as though Mr. Smith doesn't even exist. Why not? What would the real harm be? I glance quickly in her direction. Her eyes are focused solely on me. I know that I will give myself away if I hold her gaze any longer. I give her a fleeting smile and turn my attention back to the task at hand.

"Castle, " her voice is small but unnerving, "is there something wrong? You seem oddly focused on those pancakes. " She manages a soft chuckle.

"Not at all!" My reply is said with haste and fear, so I continue, "Why do you have that impression? "

'You've been beating that batter like a dead horse for about eight minutes now. " I turn to face her again. She holds up her watch for effect.

"Sorry, I guess I'm just a bit nervous. I definitely wasn't expecting to be entertaining the most beautiful woman in the world tonight. That and I'm still a little shell shocked from tonight's confessions." My stomach knots at the thought of my own omissions. I couldn't even write any of my characters out of this one.

She bites her lip and gives me another half smile. I am burning from the inside out. "Rick, I know this is going to be a little strange for probably longer than either of us want. To be perfectly honest, I always imagined that the moment we admitted everything all bets would be off!" She has imagined us before. The realization causes my soul to soar and hope to take root inside of me. She stands and makes her way over to where I stand at the counter. My breathing quickens and my throat is suddenly tight. Before I can speak she has her arms wrapped around my waist. I instinctively envelop her in return.

"Kate..." I breathe her name like air. Her hair smells of her signature cherries, and I can't stop myself from pulling it down from the messy bun it's been trapped in. I run my fingers through it and a slight gasp is emitted from her lips. I hug her tighter. She slowly pulls back to look at me.

"I'm sorry I've made things so much more difficult for us, but I promise to work on communicating with you, everyday. I understand if you're not ready to take things further right now. I know that I need to earn your trust again. I will work on that everyday, too." The honesty, concern, and _love_ written in her eyes nearly kills me.

I lean in to capture her lips, lest I make the decision to tell her the truth. Once I do, she will be gone forever. I have to know what she _feels like._ The kiss is immediately heated and she grants my tongue access as soon as I demand it. A mewling sound makes its way from the back of her throat, and I moan with satisfaction. She is delicate and pliant beneath my touch, and I am in dire need to make her tremble from my love for her.

She sneaks her hands underneath the back of my shirt as she pulls back for air, biting my bottom lip before releasing me entirely. "Jesus, you're too good at that," she whispers.

I am throbbing with desire. One step closer and she would be able to feel it for herself. I take her right hand in mine and place a reverent kiss to the back of it. "You are amazing," I tell her with utter conviction. I wish I was a better man. That I would not succumb to my selfish craving for her... but she feels so incredible under my hands. I'm at the mercy of the mystery that lies beneath her- dear God, _my_ \- shirt. I stride forward and seize her mouth again without hesitation. Consequences be damned.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note** I am absolutely thrilled by all of the reviews and follows for this story! Thank you SO much! I apologize once more for the delay! My computer is back in working order and life is finally slowing down. Sorry again for being so slow to continue the story, I hope this longer and more titillating makes up for it! ;)

**Disclaimer** My owning Castle or anything related to it does not exist even in parallel universes.

My heart is exploding. Castle's hands are in my hair, his lips venturing away from mine and towards my neck. He finds my weak spot, just beneath my ear. I let out a noise that vaguely sounds like a squeal and a moan combined. My hands grip his sides tighter beneath his shirt and robe. His skin is on fire. As he presses further into me, I can feel the desire radiating from his hips. He backs me into the counter and I am thankful for the structure. My legs feel like they might give out at any moment. Suddenly, his lips detach from my neck and his blue eyes are staring at me, almost reverently.

"Quit staring Castle, it's creepy," I say, trying to inflict some form of comedic relief into this overwhelming moment. I have had wild, crazy, 'fuck me against the side of a van in an alley' type of sex. I am no stranger to giving into irrational sensations. But this, this is _passion_. This I am not used to. I am erotically confident in bed. I have never once considered myself to be anything less than desirable. Until now. Now, I am a nervous wreck. This man, this incredible man, who has saved my life, forgiven my worst flaws, walked with me through my deepest fears... this man scares the living shit out of me. He is about to _make love_ to me. I can sense it with every fiber of my being, and I am terrified.

"Creepy, huh?" He arches an eyebrow at me and draws his hand out of my hair. He strokes the side of my face with his fingertips, tracing a path down the side of my neck, across my collar bone. I gasp as the tingles following his fingers leave a trail of fire burned into my skin. He stops at the junction of my breasts. My attempt to play it cool is betrayed by the quick rise and fall of my chest. "Do you really find this creepy, Kate?" He places a light kiss on my forehead, and I sway.

He pulls back again and looks me in the eye. "I love you. Get used to it." He picks me up by the waist and places me on the counter. When the hell did he get so strong? Or maybe he always was, I just never paid attention. He puts his hands on my thighs and parts my legs, coming to stand in between them. He leaves his hands on me, both of them only inches from where I am craving his touch the most. God, he hasn't even really touched me yet, but I feel my arousal drenching my yoga pants.

He removes one hand from my leg and draws me into him again, kissing me as though I am his life's blood. He has me writhing in seconds. My hands are everywhere; I run them through his hair, around his neck... I grab the sides of his robe and start to drag it off of him. He senses my frustration and shrugs it off the rest of the way. "Suddenly eager, are we?" His self assurance is both infuriating and oh so fucking sexy.

"Always," I reply, breathless, "But only for you." His eyes darken further and he swears under his breath. I grab the hem of my shirt and rip it off over my head. I smirk once he realizes I am not wearing a bra. A split second later his certainty is back, and he takes a nipple between his fingers, rolling and pinching it before sliding his thumb over it in a caress. "Castle..." his name is a sigh from my lips.

"Rick," he corrects me. A shot of electricity goes straight to my core as he bends down and takes the nipple into his mouth. I do not know what has turned me on more, the way he wants me to say his name, or the filthy things he is doing with his mouth.

"Rick!" My hips buck as he assaults me with his tongue. He palms at my breast while gently nipping at it with his teeth. His other hand is moving further up my thigh. I am practically humping his counter, seeking friction from _anything._ "Oh, please..." I am begging him. He chuckles and releases my breast.

"Please what, Kate?" My mind is racing. I want to plead with him to fuck me into next week, to rub me against the fabric of my pants, to get me off with half of my clothes still on. I bite my lip, keeping my plea within me. "Let me see if I can make you use your words..." Oh, I bet you can.

This man is going to kill me with his voice alone. He pulls me off of the counter and thrusts his hips against mine. The sensation is overpowering. He captures my lips once more and as though a spark has been ignited, I remember that I do not have to be passive in this game. I can be an equal participant. Okay, _Rick._ Why don't we see how you can handle a taste of your own medicine.

I pull away and go immediately for his boxers. I encircle him through the soft cotton and he moans. I use my other hand and reach further back and take his balls into my palm, lightly caressing them while I pump my hand up and down his shaft. My lips attach to his pulse point. I nip at him gently with my teeth and he growls. I continue the ministrations with my hands. He is stuttering, barely able to keep his balance. "Where are your words now, Rick?" I tease him relentlessly. He grabs my wrists and yanks my hands behind my back. His mouth takes hold of mine again, as he releases me he uses one hand to dive straight to my core, rubbing me in just the right spot. I support myself against the counter with one hand and use the other to paw at him again.

"You are so fucking wet, Kate." His tone is almost menacing as he whispers against my ear. "And I have barely touched you... Soon you will be soaked. Breathless and wanting. Just wait until I have my fingers inside of you, my tongue against your clit. You'll be pleading for release." Holy hell. Just take me now! My mind is quickly becoming a puddle of mush.

I have nothing coherent to say, so I simply groan and gasp as he continues to drive me crazy with his hand, the pressure torturous. I have long since released him, giving myself over to the way he is stroking me. I roll my hips against his hand, seeking more pressure. His words alone were pushing me absolutely to the edge, I do not know how much longer I can hold out. I feel the familiar tightening begin, but before the spasms can start he pulls away. "Nuh uh. Not yet. I promise, I will make you come in this kitchen. I will make you come in almost every room and on almost every surface of this loft. But not tonight. Tonight, we do this in my bedroom. Where I can hear you give up your control. I want to see you spread out against my bed, squirming against my sheets." With that, he takes my hand and leads me out of the kitchen and towards his room.

We cross through his office, and I instantly imagine all of the amazing, dirty, and sinful things I want to do to him while he sits at his desk. I scan the room and take mental note of the details. I file away those tidbits for later. He has made it obvious that tonight he wants to be the one in control. Or, rather, he wants to see me give up my control. His office will definitely have to wait until our roles are reversed. After everything we have been through, after all I have put him through, I can give him at least this... a first step towards me opening myself up to him completely. Though honestly, I doubt there will be much of a choice on my part, the way he is pulling out all of the stops. He knows exactly how to read me, knows exactly what I need from him to feel safe enough to let myself go.

He opens his bedroom door and I am immediately surrounded by everything Castle. His scent, his territory, his masculinity. It is written everywhere in this one room. He is crowding my back and wraps his arms around me from behind. I can feel the length of him against my ass, and I instinctively thrust backwards against him. He kisses my shoulder and drops one hand down beneath my pants, his fingers spreading my folds apart. I throw my head against his chest as he continues to torture me... making sure not to come into contact with my clit. I struggle and thrust against him, trying to find some sort of release. He matches my rhythm thrust for thrust, his other hand now digging almost painfully into the side of my hip. I am trembling and gasping. "Please, Rick. _Please_ , let me come!" He circles my clit with his fingers and I am flying.

This is going to be one hell of a night.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note** Thank you again for all of the reviews and follows! This is the final chapter! Sorry it took so long. I have been on vacation and promised the husband a technology free week. Who knew going without a computer, tablet, or phone could be so hard! Anyway, thank you all for sticking with this fic. I hope you have enjoyed it! I am immeasurably grateful for all of your interest, favorites, input, reviews, etc. Much love! - J.E.

**Disclaimer** While I may aim to misbehave, I don't aim to get sued. Not mine!

The sound of her falling apart beneath my fingers threatens to shatter my very existence. She goes nearly limp in front of me, her breathing finally starting to even out. She is so perfect, so pliant, so wet and absolutely on fire with need. I feel myself growing even harder at the thought of how she will taste... how she will feel under my weight. She has given so much of herself in such a short span of time. I take a deep breath and force myself to knock away the images of my dishonesty. I cannot think about that now. I must only think about this string of moments laid out before me, this opportunity that would be forever taken if I tell her the truth. I am going to lose her anyway.

So, I push her forward and spin her around. I cradle her head in my hands. "Kate," I say her name before I capture her lips with mine. I try to express as much of my love into this one kiss as I possibly can. She wraps her arms around me, and presses her bare chest against me. Suddenly she pushes away from me. I freeze, terrified that she has changed her mind. But then her hands are clawing at the bottom of my shirt, trying her best to touch my skin. I oblige her and pull the garment off. Her eyes darken. She licks her lips and reaches out to touch my chest. Her fingertips are like ice against my hot flesh. I shiver involuntarily. She smiles. I want to see that smile everyday for the rest of my life. My resolve crumbles and I rip her hands away from me.

"What's the matter?" Her eyebrows are furrowed and her mouth stays agape while I continue to walk towards my bed.

"I can't do this, Kate." I pick up the shirt we had just withdrawn and toss it to her. "Here. Please, put this on." She does.

She goes from hurt to angry in two seconds flat. "What. The. FUCK? Castle, what is this? Do you think I came here for a booty call, or to string you along? Do you not like what you see?" Her voice cracks on the last sentence and a tear makes a path down her face.

"God, Kate. No, you are perfect. More than I could ever dream of. But what I am doing isn't right. You have been so open and honest about everything... and I am struggling with my own honor. There is something I need to show you. Come on." I stand up and take her hand once more. Leading her into my office. With the touch of a few buttons, I bare my secret. I brace myself for the onslaught of anger and confusion.

"Rick..." she says my name on a gasp. I can't even look at her. I keep my head down. I sense her come closer, and then walk past me. I lift my gaze up to the back of her head. She is staring at all of the information my murder board has to offer. "What _is_ all of this? I mean, I get what it is, but, who is Mr. Smith? What does he have to do with anything? Why have you hidden this from me- and for how long?!"

She turns quickly to look at me, deadpanning, "How about start at the beginning..."

I nod briskly and take a deep breath. "After you were shot, everything in my life shifted, Kate. I watched you die. I-I was too late to save you and then there was nothing I could do but watch the life drain out of you. I cannot even begin to tell you how devastated I was. Then you survived. You fought and made it... and then I lost you again. You just left. And I had to stay here trying to pick up the pieces of what you left behind. I was angry. I was hurt. But I wanted what you wanted. I wanted you to be happy, even if that meant not seeing you or hearing your voice."

She shifts and starts to walk towards my bedroom again. I follow her and find her cross legged on my bed. "I just figured we should be more comfortable for this conversation."

I sit down on the edge and continue, "But then I got a call, from "Mr. Smith". That night I was basically told that if you dove back in, if you kept digging for the truth, you would die. Again. Only this time there would be no coming back. And I just couldn't lose you again. I loved -love- you too much to watch you die a martyr's death. Especially if I had the power to make sure you didn't. It isn't often that I have the ability to protect you, and this time I did. So I took the opportunity. I knew I could keep looking into both cases without raising too much suspicion. I have friends in dark places that owe me favors. Favors that I knew would be untraceable. There would be no paper trail, no protocol, no transparency..."

"Rick," the sound of my first name gives me hope. "I don't know what to say. Part of me is so angry I don't even want to look at you. The other part of me is grateful. I know you well enough to know that you would not do anything to hurt me out of malice. But you cannot go making decisions about my life alone. Do you have a say? Of course. Now, more than ever, your opinion means a great deal to me. And we could have come to some sort of compromise... I think. Honestly I don't know how I would have reacted to the news at the time." She sighs.

"I just love you so much Kate. I am sorry for taking away your autonomy. I never really considered that aspect of it. I just wanted to keep you safe. And even though I never met her, I know your mother wouldn't want you risking your life to find out what ended hers. She would want you to live. Really _live._ She would want you to be happy... and I would like to think that I could do that for you. I could make you happy."

She reaches over and wipes away a tear I didn't notice. "You are right. She wouldn't want this for me. But, even if she were alive, again it is _my_ life. It is my right to decide. Castle, I want a life with you. One as close to normal as we can manage. And if that means that I need to put the case on hold, or if I need to be on the back end of things so you can carry it forward, then so be it."

I think I just hallucinated. "I am sorry, could you say that again?"

She laughs and scoots to sit beside me. I turn to her and she says, "Rick, you do make me happy. I want you to keep making me happy." She leans in and kisses me. My heart stops. She loves me anyway!

I thread my fingers through her hair and pull her in closer. Our simple kiss becomes heated once more. As we stop to catch our breath, I press our foreheads together. "Kate, thank you. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Thank you for not giving up on us..."

"Always." I can't help but to grin at her use of our word. She moves to stand and before I know it she has unceremoniously taken off my shirt. My mouth drops and she laughs. "I just figured we start where we left off...? I seem to remember you mentioned something about squirming... that I would be begging... any of this ring a bell?"

God I love this woman. I rise to my feet and we are skin to skin. Finally, her beautiful breasts are pressed against my chest. The feel of her bare flesh against mine is sinful, and yet exactly right. Her body was made for mine. Whether by divine invention or evolutionary design, our bodies were created to melt into one another. I trail my hands down her spine slowly, methodically. I want to feel every inch of her body. She whimpers and begins stroking my neck and shoulders with her fingers. Her touch is utterly healing. I can feel the tension of the last few minutes leaving my body. She still _wants_ me. In every sense of the word. I have bared to her my biggest insecurity, my one betrayal, and yet she is still here. She wants the man who was sure of himself, who promised her more pleasure than she could stand. This thought alone allows me to shift back into my stride... I will show her exactly what the need to beg feels like.

I start slowly, with just a kiss. It builds upon itself until we are both panting and gasping for air. My neck is encircled by her arms, and my hands are brushing her hip bones. I have backed her against the bed. I sit her down and use one hand to push her backwards until she is laying with her legs hanging off the mattress. I drag my hands down her body, from her clavicle, across her breasts, down past her belly button and finally to the waistband of her pants. She is breathing heavily as I grasp the elastic and start to pull. Jesus fucking Christ. She isn't wearing panties.

"Fuck Kate." I grit out the words as I continue to remove her last piece of clothing. She raises up on her elbows and helps me get her legs out. She is glistening with wetness. I lick my lips in anticipation. My plans dawn on her and she bites her lower lip and spreads her legs out further. I kneel and begin kissing my way up her legs at the knee. She falls onto her back as I get to her upper thigh. I grab her hip bones and pull her further off the bed, placing her legs on my shoulders. She smells divine. I lean forward and lick her all the way up her slit. She bucks and lets out a moan. I use one hand to spread her folds and I dive in, my mouth and tongue concentrating on where she needs pressure the most. Every now and then I let up and lick her from the bottom to top again, only to tease her. She begins grinding and her legs wrap around behind me. She is close, so I pull away.

"Rick!" She screams my name as I move back from her core. "Please! Please, don't stop..." she whines. I chuckle and begin to stroke her with my fingers, paying very close attention to her clit, brushing it on either side before I slam two of them into her. "Oh God!" she is convulsing around me instantly. I bury my face between her legs again and lap at her clit while she comes. Her hips are thrashing and she is mumbling incoherently. I release her and kiss her pubic bone. I stand and pull my boxers down. The relief is tangible. I am physically aching to be inside her. She moves back towards the center of the bed and I start to descend upon her.

I briefly pay homage to the scar in between her breasts, and then I roll us on our sides. "You are so beautiful. In so many ways," I tell her honestly. I caress one breast before leaning down to take the taught nipple in my mouth. She moans and slides one traitorous hand down to my cock. "Fuck. Kate."

"I intend to," she tells me with a smirk. I roll her onto her back and seize her lips once more. We fight for dominance until I grasp her wrists and hold them above her head. She takes the chance to roll her hips against mine, and I wedge one of my legs between hers. She seeks friction and grinds against my thigh, her wetness spreading easily over me. I bring my other leg over so that I am perfectly nestled against her. Our lips part, and her eyes open as I slide into her for the first time.

She feels like home. "Oh Kate, so tight... so wet..." Her muscles tighten and release as I push further into her. We groan and I let go of her hands to brace myself on either side of her head. She pulls her legs up and wraps them around my hips, her back arching to take me in further.

"Rick," she sighs, "Please move..." I lean in to kiss her as I pull out and ease back in, slowly building speed and pressure. I hit a particular spot, _the spot_ , and she moans low and deep. I pull out slowly and thrust back in, slow and shallow. Then I pull out almost completely and slam back into her. She hisses her approval as I pound deeply into her at a punishing pace. Then, without warning, I revert back to my slow and shallow rhythm.

She whines and tries to quicken the pace, but I won't let her. She claws at my back in frustration and I laugh and capture her lips again. As I thrust my tongue into her mouth I pump into her deep and hard once more. She moans against my mouth and I turn my lips to her ear, "Do you like it when I go fast Kate? Hmm? What do you want? Tell me..."

"Please, Rick."

"Please..."

"Please fuck me hard and fast!" She exclaims.

I put one hand beneath her ass and use my other arm to brace myself on the headboard. I pound into her over and over again. I tighten my grip on her and she spreads her legs further to accommodate as much of me as possible. She is moaning, swearing, and calling out my name. "Touch yourself," I command. I watch as she places her hands between our bodies. I feel her begin to play with herself. "Yes. Just like that."

"Rick, I- I don't..." she is stammering.

"Let go, Kate. Come with me." I watch as she falls off of the edge with me. I groan as I spill into her, collapsing into her arms.

For a few moments we lay breathless. "I knew I could make you beg!" I gloat as I roll us over onto our sides once more. She arches an eyebrow at me, her eyes alight with annoyance.

"Oh Castle. Castle, Castle, Castle... Turn about is fair play. Trust me, you still have no idea..."

I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life finding out.


End file.
